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Spider posted this one and I pretty much had to share.
Goth Club Promotion Poster Decoder
In case you’ve ever wondered what some of the terms and phrases on Club flyers really mean… (US list, but still funny. Plus it’s all over the blogs and boards like chlamydia through a Goth Peer Group, so I might as well repost it here…)
- “All ages”
- as if telling someone’s age in zombie inspired make up and near dark conditions weren’t difficult enough already
- “All night long”
- or until 2 a.m. when the city’s bar closing ordinance kicks in, which ever comes first
- “Blisspop”
- we made up this genre just to see if you were paying attention to our flyer
- “Costume Contest”
- be prepared to hear at least three different DJs spin “Everyday is Halloween” and claim they didn’t hear it when the other DJs played it
- “Dark Alternative”
- we have no idea what to call half the songs we’re going to play tonight
- “Dark/Fetish attire encouraged”
- if you pretend to be a goth, we’ll pretend to play goth music
- “Darkwave”
- we think this is somehow related to goth
- “Deathrock” (when placed last on the list of music genres)
- we’ll play that song by the Virgin Prunes, but you have to listen to 3 hrs. of VNV Nation before we get to it
- “Deathrock” (when placed first on the list of music genres)
- we’ll play two Rozz era Christian Death songs in a row at some point during the evening
- “Deathrock/Psychobilly/Horror Punk”
- we hope you like songs about zombies, dead girlfriends and spooky things in the woods enough to listen to 4 hours of them
- “Deathrock/Punk/Old School Goth”
- we firmly believe the only music worth listening to was recorded between 1977 and 1983
- “Deathrock/EBM”
- never draw up a flyer when you’re high on crack
- “Deathrock/Metal”
- never draw up a flyer when you’ve doing crystal meth for 5 days straight either
- “Dress code is black”
- the people who come here don’t know enough about Goth to know what to wear so we have to remind them
- “Dress to impress”
- the court order regarding cameras in the Club was lifted after the lawsuit was settled out of court
- “EBM”
- like techno, but with less musical ability and more glow sticks.
- “80’s”
- we hope you like “Karma Chameleon” a lot because we have 13 different versions of it
- “Electro”
- *beep* music
- “Enjoy our drink specials”
- our landlord turned off the air conditioning so it gets really hot in here
- “Ethereal”
- we own the entire Cocteau Twins back catalog
- “Experimental”
- Synth-punk performed by people don’t know how to play an instrument, but it sounds classier if we call it “Experimental”
- “Fetish wear encouraged”
- lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and a some guy running around with a whip
- “$5 cover before 10 p.m.”
- the cops never show up to raid the place before 11 p.m.
- “Free give aways”
- we still have lots of “Saw II” and “the Hills Have Eyes” posters left from last year’s give away
- “Full Bar”
- our bar is twice as big as the dance floor
- “Futurepop”
- music not good enough to be classified as “EBM”
- “Glam”
- in case you thought deathhawks, ripped t-shirts and torn fishnets were too modest of a fashion statement
- “Go Go Girls”
- our music will sound better if you’re staring at a half naked chick
- “Goth”
- our DJ knows who Peter Murphy is
- “Gothic Industrial”
- lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and some girl with big, poofy pigtails running around with a couple of glow sticks
- “Harsh EBM”
- when regular EBM isn’t awful enough
- “Impressive selection of beer”
- just in case anyone ever comes to a Goth club to be impressed by the beer, we’ve got you covered
- “Industrial Decadence”
- overweight EBM chicks in midriff baring fetishwear
- “Just off the freeway”
- we’re located next to the abandoned medical waste disposal plant in a section of town not patrolled by police
- “Legendary”
- selling my soul for a steady club night 23 yrs. ago seemed like such a good idea at the time…
- “Live Bands”
- real musicians aren’t embarrassed to be seen in our club with our patrons
- “Mash Ups”
- someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday, but can’t figure out how to use it
- “New Romantic”
- Adam Ant, Duran Duran and, ahhh, ummm, errr…. more Adam Ant and Duran Duran
- “Neofolk”
- Der Furher’s music, unplugged
- “No Cover Charge”
- our venue is a classic dive bar with a decent sound system
- “Nu Wave”
- I’m 2 lazy to spel check my flyerz be4 I hand them oot
- “Old School Punk”
- we specialize in mohawks and mosh pits
- “Old School” (genre unspecified)
- we bought a crate of vinyl at a garage sale
- “Our DJ brings you the best in…”
- our DJ will spin whatever his girlfriend left him after they split up
- “Old School Goth”
- our DJ’s roommate went to school with Peter Murphy
- “Plenty of available parking”
- the neighborhood is so bad that no one is else is willing to park on the streets here
- “Powernoise”
- we play music so obnoxious that even the rivetheads will complain
- “REAL Alternative”
- our DJ interned at KROQ
- “Remixes”
- someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday and figured out how to use it
- “Remodeled”
- they painted the walls after they were closed down for health code violations
- “Request Night”
- we got off work late and didn’t have time to come up with a proper setlist
- “Retro”
- Our DJ found a bunch of 80’s comps at a second hand store and most of them aren’t too badly scratched
- “Smoking Patio”
- forget about sneaking in through the back exit
- “Two dance rooms”
- our Gothic Industrial club plays both kinds of music, gothic and industrial
- “Underground”
- our DJ really likes She Wants Revenge
- “Indie”
- Our DJ eventually got burned out on She Wants Revenge and is now on an Interpol kick
- “Vampire” or “Vampiric”
- douchebag or douchebagic
- “Vendors”
- we have a girl selling bat-themed jewelry and spiderweb necklaces at a table next to the dance floor
- “VIP Lounge”
- in case the people on the dance floor weren’t pretentious enough for you
- “We spin vinyl”
- our DJs are damn good!
- “With a little booty hip hop to mix it up”
- no matter how drunk you get, you’re going to regret coming here for years to come
- “WiFi”
- because the only thing geekier than dancing at a Goth club is surfing the web at a Goth club
Originally published at The Monkey Guild. You can comment here or there. Tags: humor
Current Mood:  amused
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pleased